You Might Be a Person With a Disability If...

by Brice Carroll on January 1, 2004 - 11:15am

Dr. Appel
Brice Carroll of Hot Springs, Ark., has limb-girdle muscular dystrophy.

You ask a stranger a question and they answer your spouse.

Your mother tells your spouse how lucky you are to have a spouse.

New acquaintances shake your hand and then pat you on the head.

You always win when playing "musical chairs."

Every time you turn slightly in your chair, your dog lying beside you scrambles away in panic.

People are always telling you how brave you are when you've done nothing heroic.

Going to the restroom is one of your greatest on-the-job challenges.

Bathing always involves at least two people.

Sex always involves at least three people.

You have a personal assistant although you're not a CEO or a movie star.

You're more concerned with the safety of other people's toes than they are.

When you fall out of your chair, others don't fall out of theirs laughing.

You refuse to go skinny-dipping purely for logistical reasons.

You're convinced that spectator sports are a great improvement over participatory sports.

You might be a redneck with a disability if:

Your chair has NASCAR wheels.

You can go frog-gigging at night using your wheelchair's K.C. lights. (If you don't know what frog-gigging or K.C. lights are, you're not a redneck.)

The only decoration your wheelchair has is tobacco juice.

You name your wheelchair Bubba.

You have at least two old, broken-down wheelchairs in your front yard.

You might be an intellectual with a disability if:

You can spend hours discussing the differences between the terms "disabled," "handicapped" and "physically challenged."

You enjoy watching the primitive behavior of lower life forms, like insects and athletes.

You might be a rich person with a disability if:

Your silver spoon punctures your seat cushion.

You have a stretch wheelchair.

Your wheelchair will elevate, tilt, stand, recline, roll over and fetch.

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