My 15 Fizzazzled Minutes of Fame

by Brice Carroll on September 1, 2005 - 4:05pm

QUEST Vol. 12, No. 5

Last Labor Day, I volunteered to help with our state's MDA Telethon activities. I figured that since MDA had done so much for me, I should try to give something back.

Unfortunately, it's been said that the real reason I volunteered was that I secretly hoped I might be seen on TV and discovered by either a Hollywood director, a rich person looking for someone wonderful to give their money to, or a talent scout for Chippendale's.

Brice Carroll
Brice Carroll, a retired accountant lives in Hot Springs, Ark. He has limb-girdle muscular dystrophy.

But even though it's been said, it's not true, and my conscience should quit saying it. Also, my common sense shouldn't have said I couldn't be a Chippendale dancer and should've just listened to my happily clueless ego.

How's my pizzazz?

After learning that I'd volunteered, the local MDA "Love Network" station decided that they'd record an interview with my wife, Sharon, and me, to be aired locally. So it looked as if I was on my way to being discov... to helping MDA.

We told our families we were going to be interviewed on television, but they all live out-of-state and were disappointed they wouldn't be able to see me, I mean us, on TV. I told them to relax because the producer had promised to give us a videotape of the interview, which they'd be able to watch later.

I was confident that I'd be a witty and extremely charming interviewee, and that Sharon probably wouldn't embarrass me too much. Before we started she seemed nervous, although I felt totally relaxed, with lots of pizzazz.

But when they started recording, a huge transformation took place. Sharon relaxed and came off as a wonderful, loving, caring wife, while I, the self-confident, soon-to-be star, performed a deer in the headlights routine.

To put it mildly, my pizzazz fizzled. And a fizzling pizzazz normally leaves you feeling either pizzizzled or fizzazzled. I felt both.

Is Brad busy?

After the interview, when I remembered the tape, I went from being pizzizzled/fizzazzled to being afraid. Very afraid. After all my bragging, how could I let my family see that I'd retreated into my happy place when the cameras started to roll? The thought of my family's reaction gave me a strong desire to go for a relaxing swim in calm, deep water. And I can't swim.

When I felt at my lowest, I got a reprieve. The producer said he'd have to dub the tape later and mail it to us.

That gave me time to plan the tape's demise without Sharon knowing I was the one who demised it. She was very happy with her interview, so I knew she wouldn't knowingly agree to let me destroy the tape. I'd have to be creative to ensure that the tape, or at least my part on the tape, was never seen by anyone.

My first thought was to ask the producer to dub over my part of the interview with footage of Brad Pitt or Russell Crowe. It's been said that I look just like each of them. (Said by my ego, maybe, but it has been said.) I gave up on that idea after my fragile ego was cruelly overridden by my overactive sense of reality.

I thought about having my address changed at the post office, but how would I get the fan mail that I've been expecting for years? I also considered persuading or bribing the mail carrier to go through my mail for the next few weeks and pull the tape when it arrived, but my common sense made a rare appearance and reminded me that it wasn't worth the risk of going to jail.

Worse, if Sharon found out, I might end up doing harder time than mere jail time. Or rather when she found out. I'd lost all confidence in my lying ability after the interview fiasco.

Did you check at Blockbuster?

It's now been a year since the interview. I still haven't seen the tape, and my wife hasn't mentioned it. I probably should just relax, but instead I'm even more paranoid.

Sharon usually gets to the mailbox first. What if she got the tape? What if she was so unhappy with my performance that she demised the tape herself?

Or, heaven forbid, what if she was so happy with her performance that she got the tape first, made copies and sent them to our family without my knowing about it?

That would sure explain why they snicker every time someone says television, telephone or any word with tele in it.

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